You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
