He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize