Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
