Don't make out with my wife yet
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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