This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
