just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
