I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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