I think I won the penis lottery.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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