Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
