I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
