Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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