**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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