she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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