On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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