I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
