You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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