I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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