first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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