Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
