i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
