I never want to see another naked old woman again.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
