i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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