Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
