If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
