i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize