Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
