turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
