i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
