my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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