my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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