I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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