I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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