tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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