Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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