is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
