I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
