Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
