Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
