I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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