BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
