My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
