My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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