News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
