Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
