The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
