Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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