you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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