It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
