Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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