Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize