Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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