you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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