You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize