oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
