If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
