I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You left your phone here
Wait...
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